How to Screen Men for Relationships

January 28, 2014
Dan Silverman

Many women have trouble screening men for relationships. Some unfortunate women date jerks, abusive, or loser guys their whole lives. Others just don't know if the guy they are dating is right for them. If you are having this problem, you are lucky you stumbled upon this article. I will give you some specific tips that will help you see the warning signs, red flags, and blatant drop him immediately signs. I will also show you what to look for in a man. This applies to men you have first met and even a man you have been dating awhile who you are considering settling down with. Here are three key points in how to screen men for relationships.

The 3 month mark: The 3 month mark is a fairly significant time. For some it's sooner and some it's later. It really depends on the amount of time you have spent with the person. If you see this person twice a week or slightly more, then 3 months is about the average time it takes to know if you want to have this person in a relationship. This doesn't just apply to you, but to the man you are dating. As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn't pressure him into a relationship or get too deep into commitment talk until you've spent quite a lot of time together. Most men aren't in a hurry to get into relationships, but by about the three month mark he should know by then if he wants to be with you or not. If the guy has cold feet about commitment or is evasive in being honest about what he wants with you or shows any of the red flags you will see below, it's time to stop seeing him as a potential boyfriend. It's up to you if you want to keep seeing him, but for the time being, look elsewhere for a boyfriend. The first reason for this is because you don't want to be stuck in a pseudo-relationship waiting for him to make up his mind for another 10 years like some of my friends are doing right now. The other reason is that he will sense your disconnection and if he truly wants you for himself, he will do something about it. If he lets you go, he doesn't really care that much about you. Sorry to say, it hurts but it's the truth. However, it hurts a lot more to be with someone who isn't really that into you for years than to leave a commitment-phobe for someone who adores you.

Has he introduced you to his friends and family?: In the three or so months you've dated him, have you met any of his friends? Have you met his family? Meeting the family is a huge deal if the man had you meet his family. It's also a big deal if he asked to meet yours. It is a great sign of commitment towards you. However, if you still haven't met his parents, it's not the end of the world, but he should do doing this at some point. The bigger question is if you met his friends. If you still haven't met his friends, he always has some kind of excuse why you can't meet them, or whatever the reason, he's hiding you. That means he either has other women on the side, or he has no intention of ever being your boyfriend. If he has introduced you to his friends, how does he treat you around them? Does he treat you with respect or show affection towards you around them? If so, he's accepted the idea that he is dating you and is proud to show his friends. It means he has respect for you and sees you at the very least as a potential long-term partner.

What are his feelings about relationships?: You don't always need to flat out ask him what he is looking for or if he is looking for a relationship. That's putting a lot of pressure on a man and could make him see you as someone who is desperate for a relationship. It's a good idea to get into the conversation of relationships and even past experiences with your love lives. It needs to be a mutual conversation rather than an interrogation. Get him to talk about what he liked and disliked about his exes. Ask him when he had his first kiss or first girlfriend. Ease into asking him how he feels about relationships now. It's much more natural and less pressure to do it this way. Listen very closely because his answer will tell you exactly what the future is between you two. The healthiest, most green flag answer he can say is, "I'm not in a hurry to get in a relationship, but if I meet an amazing woman I want to be with exclusively, I would totally do it." You're surprised aren't you? You want him to say, "I am looking for a relationship with someone and want to settle down." You think that's a good answer? It is in fact a red flag. It's not necessarily a drop him immediately flag, but it could very well mean he is a codependent person who needs someone in his life in order to be happy. These kind of men tend to be insecure, jealous, possessive, and are more likely to cheat on you. Understand though that this may not actually be the case so you need to dig deeper. Now if he has a lot of negative attitudes about relationships or has mostly negative feelings about his past experiences in his love life or says, "I am not at all looking for a relationship", "Love is not possible", "Relationships are too hard" or any of these kinds of statements, it's a straight up drop him immediately flag. You cannot change a man and if you continue dating him, have fun trying to change him for another 20 years. He doesn't need you to change him, he needs a psychologist.

Judge his actions and not his words: It's very easy to get swept up by a man's words. He can promise you the world, compliment and flatter you, superficially treat you like a girlfriend, or make commitments verbally. What's far more important are his actions. I have a friend who uses this to his advantage quite a bit. He promises women everything, but doesn't follow through. He is very nice to women by being a gentlemen and even buys them things. He talks to them and treats them like a girlfriend, but he never ever introduces these women to his friends. None of them ever meet his family. He never clearly says she is a girlfriend. He always has an excuse. He also rarely calls them and uses the fact he has to work as an excuse not to see them. When she brings up relationship talk, he always says that a relationship needs to develop, it can't be forced, but gives them hope by saying he is only dating them and no other woman. Now, it's okay for a man to say this early on, but after six months (many of these women will stick around this long), you should know he's full of it. If you have a man who is quite the talker and does superficial things to act like your boyfriend, but he doesn't actually go through with his words with real action, he's a player. Men who promise the world early on especially are red flags and you should be cautious with allowing him to swoon you. That's his way of manipulating you. Don't fall for it. Stay with healthy men who are balanced and have a positive attitude about women and relationships.

Dan Silverman

Miami Matchmaker

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